Letters to Fred
by Madame Rose
Summary: “How does it feel, brother? How does it feel to be completely and totally alone in the crushing darkness?” After Fred's death, George lapses into silence - except for the letters he writes to his brother. T due to language.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: It really has been quite a while since I've published anything, hasn't it? Perhaps that's because of the lack of response on _Insomnia_... Haha, just kidding. Anyway, this, while short right now, will probably be my longest fanfic due to the fact that I will actually have chapters in this one. I know, I know, it's a suprise, but you guys deserve it. Obviously, it's centered around George, whom I love and adore, and I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I think I will. I don't have much written yet - this is the only part - but I do intend upon updating fairly often. Stick with me, guys; the more reviews I get, the faster the updates will come.

**Disclaimer**: No, I'm not JKR. No, I'm not anyone associated with JKR. I'm just a crazy fangirl. :)

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_Letters to Fred  
_A George-centric Fanfic  
Begun Febuary 24, 2009

I can't breathe.

I can't fucking breathe.

I can't do anything.

I can't see. I'm blind. Do you realize that you've left me totally, completely, utterly blind?

I hate the blackness. You know that. You always knew that. I hate being alone. Just as much as you hate it, but you're better at hiding that than I am. How does it feel, brother? How does it feel to be completely and totally alone in the crushing darkness?

The moment you left, I could feel it. I could feel it like the entire world falling down on my shoulders, like Atlas finally collapsed under his burden and gave it to me so I could hold it for him. Every hurt, ever anguish, every anything either of us ever felt, it all came pouring into me in that one second. Lee says I staggered and something went out in my eyes and I cried an awful noise.

I can't even remember it.

I can't remember anything.

I can't feel anything.

I want to feel something. I want something besides this irreversible anguish. I want to know there's still light and good out there, but how could there be? How could there be anything when you're gone? There's nothing. Nothing. There is no world without you. There is no beauty, there is no light, and there is no laugher, there is no anything.

There is only this sick oppressive darkness. It's trying to swallow me whole, and I might let it. It would be easier than this crushing pain and anguish and everything that's pouring into me. How can I feel everything and nothing at all? How is that even possible?

How is anything possible without you, Fred?

I haven't said anything since you fell. Since the moment you left me on this cold fucking earth to die on my own, I haven't made a single comprehensible noise. I can see Mum's eyes when they look into mine; I can see their horror when she realizes what's in mine. There's nothing behind them, brother. I can't see them for myself, but I know there's nothing behind them. Because there's nothing left in me, see? You took it all with you, and yet you gave it all to me. We're stuck in limbo, you and me.

But there is no you and me anymore, is there? There is only me, there is only this crushing weight, there is only this nothingness yet everything all at the same time. How the fuck could that even happen, Fred? How could there be a God who severs the ties between brothers? Hell. We weren't even brothers. We were so much more than that. How could anyone do this to us?

I can't do this.

I can't be alone.

I don't know how.

I need you.

I miss you.

I hate you so much.

I love you so much.

Your funeral is coming.

I don't know if I can go. Dad expects me to speak. Mum expects me to hang myself from the rafters. Percy thinks I'm going to pull my wand on him whenever I come to my senses. I probably will, if I ever do come to my senses. I can't forgive him for what he's done, Fred. I know you'd tell me to, because you were always a bit more forgiving than I, but I can't give him the satisfaction of knowing everything is all right between us. Because nothing will ever be all right, Fred. He should have saved you that night. He should have been the one underneath that wall. I don't care if I go to hell for saying that. We're headed there anyway.

I shouldn't use 'we're' anymore, should I? Because there's only one of us now. There's only one Weasley twin.

Help me, please…

I need to talk to someone.

I need someone to tell me everything will be all right.

I need someone to make me laugh and make me smile.

I need you, Fred.

I can't believe I'm even writing this through this crushing, crushing darkness. Every breath takes a lifetime of the universe; every word I write takes ten thousand.

There is no light, no hope, no anything without you, Fred.

I don't know how I will go on.

I need to talk to you.

This will be my only way.


	2. The Night Before

I remember the night before so damn well. Do you remember it? Because I do. I remember sitting there around that stupid little fire, and for once it was just the two of us, and we were in a cave for God knows what reason.

You had your arms wrapped around your knees and they were drawn up to your chest. I remember looking at you in mild wonder because it was so rare that you ever looked so vulnerable. We shared everything, the two of us, and we didn't need vulnerability to share our feelings when it was necessary. A quick glance at each other and we would know. The shift in the air, a slight change in the way the other carried himself, it was all so obvious.

But that night you looked so young and afraid. Your hair was in your eyes – I wanted to move it out of the way – but you didn't notice. You were far, far away from that stupid cave, and you were chewing on your bottom lip. Do you know how often you do that, Fred? Or did, I suppose I should say did. You did that all the time, and that's when I knew you were scared, or nervous, or whatever. Others just thought it was because you were thinking of something devious, something funny to come up with later and prank the rest of us with. They'd look for the same expression on my face.

And, of course, I had it. We both had that expression, but it was never for the reasons the rest of the world thought. We weren't always evil pranksters out to cause a laugh. We did have human sides.

But that night… I sat beside you and our shoulders were barely touching, but it was enough contact for the two of us. As long as I was touching you, I'd be all right. I just needed you near me; I've always needed you near me. I need you so much more now than I did even then, and now you're not even here to help me when I need it most. What I'd do to just feel your shoulder brush against mine one last time! What I'd do to just have you near me! People don't understand the insane need that a twin has to be near the other because they aren't a split soul.

I think it's the cruelest thing in the world, being an identical twin. Because you're never really whole unless the other one is around, because, let's face it, you weren't supposed to be two in the first place. We were one soul sharing two bodies.

Half my soul is gone, Fred, and it feels like my body is breaking, that's how empty it is.

That's how much I need you.

I told you that. Remember? Remember how I told you that, that night in the cave when we sat by the fire? I said "Fred, we best not die tomorrow."

And the flames flickered over your face, and a small, sarcastic smile crept over your lips. It was eerie for me to see that smile, because it only came out when you weren't really amused. I don't think anyone besides me and maybe Angelina ever saw that smile, and maybe Angelina never saw it either. I don't know. Were there things you shared with her and not me? Were there things you shared with me and not her? Were we equal in your eyes, or did I rest on a platform above?

Or, God forbid was I a step below your beloved Angel?

You said to me "_You _best not die tomorrow, Georgie, cause I don't think I could go on without you."

The flames continued to flicker, sending shadows around the cave, and I didn't know what to say. "You can't die either. I can't do anything without you. I've never done anything without you, much less lived without you."

And you sighed, that sad, sad sigh that you'd sometimes do, and you rested your head on my shoulder for the briefest of moments. "This damned war will bring about the end of days, and there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise." The sat done in your voice was so haunting, so foreign, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fix it. I couldn't make it better.

I should have made it better, Fred.

Maybe then you would've stayed with me that day.

Why'd you have to go with Percy? Why'd you have to leave me in the cold? Why was I so damn unimportant that you had to just go off with the brother who'd forgotten about us for years? You knew your time was coming, Freddie! You knew it was right around the corner. You knew what was goin to happen, and you just let it happen.

You should have taken me with you.

We needed to be together.

How the hell are you going to exist? Floating about in purgatory, because there's no way there'll be a heaven for you without me. It just couldn't happen. You were – are – the most important thing in the world to me.

Was I ever that to you?

Why did you have to leave me?

You got the easy way out. Mum would kill me for saying that, but you did.

Dying is nothing compared to what my life is going to be now.

I would do anything for the same release that you have. I would do anything to just let go of this damned weight that's on my shoulders. I want to be somewhere pretty and sunny and I want to be with you, Fred. I can't be what this family needs me to be. I can't be two Weasley twins, because one person can't be a set of twins. It's just impossible.

They need us. The world needed us. There was, still is, so much sadness in the world.

And now you're gone….


End file.
